Tips and Techniques to Surviving Hogwarts
by Rahainia
Summary: It was posted with the best of intentions. Didn't take long, however, for the residents of Hogwarts to turn the list into a forum for taunts and teasing. I'd love to add more submit your ideas!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note : Got this idea after reading 'Things Not To Do at the SGC' (Stargate SG-1 fanfiction, fyi). Usual disclaimer info applies.

**HPHPHP HPHPHP HPHPHP**

Professor McGonagall tapped the last delicate nail into place. She stepped back to admire her handiwork and was, quite honestly, pleased with herself. In an effort to help the students at Hogwarts – particularly the first years – she and the other professors had started a list of tips and techniques to surviving life at School of Magic.

Her lips formed a tight smile of satisfaction and she walked away.

Of course, a piece of parchment left unattended – especially on the message board outside of the Great Hall – was bound to attract attention. And the students, being both teenagers and tweenagers (no longer children but not yet 13), paid particular attention to all of the blank space on the parchment…perfect for making comments.

This was, after all, the common message board for Hogwarts!

**HPHPHP HPHPHP HPHPHP**

1. Under no circumstances, should you anticipate what flavour of Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour Bean you are about to eat.

- _Several first-years from Hufflepuff are seeking professional help after thinking yellow is always lemon. Who knew bat pee had a flavour?!?! (Cho)_

_- Better yet, who has the job to make sure the bean tastes like the real thing? (Parvarti)_

_- Rest assured, I will not be suggesting that any student at Hogwart's pursue a future in this field during his or her Careers Advice session. (Professor McGonagall)_

2. Always read Professor Snape's blackboard very carefully.

_- But Ginny said that orange is the new pink! (Neville)_

_- The potion was supposed to be blue! (Hermione)_

3. When Hagrid says he has "somethin' to show yer", keep your wand at the ready!

_- I've still got burn marks from that fireworm! (Harry)_

_- Yeah, well at least it didn't burn a hole in the bottom part of your trousers! (Ron)_

4. When the Weasley twins start acting innocent around you, walk away slowly and do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact.

_- Is Goyle out of the Infirmary Wing yet? (Blaise)_

_- Mr. Goyle is excused from attending classes for the rest of the term due to an enlarged part of his anatomy which is stubbornly magic-resistant. Suffice to say, all lavatories near the Infirmary are closed to all students until further notice. (Madame Pomfrey)_

5. Never attempt to harm or maim Mrs. Norris.

_- Hey, who let Filch come up with a suggestion? (Ron)_

_- I know where you sleep, Weasley! (Filtch)_

_- Anyone wanna trade rooms? (Ron)_

6. Never threaten to turn an uncooperative baby mandrake into a root stew.

_- I hear Professor Sprout threatened the Slytherin who made the statement into a pair of cowboy boots. (Angelina)_

_- Not enough of him for that…maybe a wallet. (Hermione)_

_- How does one write a sneer?!?! (Draco)_

7. Quidditch is more than just a game.

_- Hermoine, put the quill away. (Harry)_

_- But….ugh…. (???)_

_- I'm sorry but Hermoine can't come to the parchment right now. Please leave a message after the beep….BEEEEEEEP! (Ron)_

8. Before practicing magic in pairs, make sure your reflexes are in good condition.

_- Did Filtch ever un-embed Neville's wand from the wall? (Cho)_

_- No, but at least the Whomping Willow didn't get mine! (Neville)_

_- It wouldn't have got mine, if you had said the right words! (Lee)_

_- At least you didn't have to have Madame Pomfrey remove a wand from your ear! (Padma)_

9. "Hey, I can see Uranus!" is not a good pick up line in either Divination or Astronomy.

_- I tried to warn Crabbe about that! (Draco)_

_- Never knew Pansy had such a strong left hook! (Crabbe)_

_- Never knew you could write. (Ron)_

10. Avoid strange diaries and otherwise blank books found in dark corridors or second-rate caldrons.

_- Where was this little tidbit during my first year? (Ginny)_

_- But then Harry couldn't have been your knight in shining…ooof! (???)_

_- I'm sorry but Ron can't come to the parchment right now. Please leave a message after the beep…BEEEEEP! (Ginny)_

11. Never, ever reveal your House's password to anyone outside of your House.

_- Ravenclaws will be expected to report to the Hufflepuff Common Room every night this week until the marshmallow cream has been removed from every nook and cranny. (Dumbledore)_

_- Marshmellow Roast!!!! (Ravenclaw)_

12. Lace and dress are to be applied only in terms of women's clothing.

_- Can someone please tell the Weasel's mother this? My eyes are still burning from the sight of him at the Yule Ball! (Draco)_

_- I thought it be from all the cologne you were wearing. (Hermione)_

_- Ah, couldn't resist getting close to me, eh, Granger? (Draco)_

_- Yeah, you're like a bad accident, Malfoy…we can't help but check it out. (Ron)_

_- Five points from Gryffindor and five points from Slytherin. (Professor McGonagall)_

13. When Harry Potter starts to rub his scar, would someone please tell Dumbledore at once.

_- Oh, please…it's not that bad! (Harry)_

_- Harry, for once, I'd like to have a quiet year! No stones, chambers, prisoners, goblets, dragons, three-headed dogs….a quiet year. (Hermione)_

_- You really know how to take the fun out of things, 'Mione. (Ron)_

14. Under no circumstances should you barge into Snape's classroom or office unannounced.

_- It really wasn't that bad being a frog for a few hours. (Neville)_

_- I heard Pansy was turned into a housefly. (Ginny)_

_- Thank goodness you two weren't in the same room at the same time! (Hermione)_

_- EWWWWW! (Neville, Pansy)_

_- Perhaps next time you will knock. (Professor Snape)_

15. From this time forward, Boggarts are not to be used as entertainment for bored students.

_- Slytherin regretfully announces that this Friday's party has been cancelled. (Blaise)_

_- Maybe Weasel can come instead and demonstrate his magic? (Draco)_

_- Slytherin is pleased to announce that this Friday's party has been re-instated. Miss Pansy Parkinson will be demonstrating her musical prowess. (Blaise…under duress by Miss Pansy Parkinson)_

_- My tuition is paying for this?!?! (Draco)_

_- Slytherin is pleased to announce that this Friday's party has been cancelled. (Blaise)_

_- And to whomever was paying attention in Snape's class for the frog potion…our eternal thanks. (Draco)_


	2. Chapter 2

16. Students are not be used as Transfiguration examples.

_- Draco still twitches happily if you hold a carrot stick under his noise. (Blaise)_

17. Owls are not to be used as substitute balls during Quidditch practices.

_- They don't fly through the hoops easily anyways. (Angelina)_

_- They do if you hit them hard enough. (Crabbe)_

_- Can we try that with you? (Harry)_

18. Divination is not an exact science.

_- Is so…I predict that I will skive out of it tomorrow. (Lavendar)_

_- 10 points from Gryffendor. (Professor McGonagall)_

_- I predict that we shouldn't write things like that on here. (Parvarti)_

19. Scavenger Hunt items are not to be placed within a 10 foot radius of the Whomping Willow.

_- Can we expand this, please? Mr. Colin Creevey was carried into the Infirmary this morning, unconscious and covered in willow leaves. (Madame Pomfrey)_

20. Scavenger Hunt items are not to be placed within a 20 foot radius of the Whomping Willow.

_- It can still reach as indicated by Mr. Dennis Creevey's two broken arms this afternoon. (Madame Promfrey)_

21. The Whomping Willow is off limits for all Scavenger Hunts.

_- That's because it's Weasel's very own reserved parking spot. (Draco)_

22. The game of 'Truth or Dare' is forbidden to all Third Year students and lower.

_- Neville fainted when Pansy kissed him! (Hermione)_

_- Ginny punched Pansy afterwards (Harry)_

_- Way to go, sis! (Fred, George and Ron)_

_- The Girl's Lavorotary is off-limits until Mr. Filtch has had a chance to clean up the remnants of Myrtle's mess. (Professor Sprout)_

23. Would students kindly refrain from walking through the ghosts.

_- I really had to go to the bathroom! (Ron)_

_- But how do you think Nearly Headless Nick felt? He was standing in that stall! (Harry)_

_- I really…really…had to go! (Ron)_

_- Check the stall first next time. (Harry…written on behalf of Nearly Headless Nick)_

24. If a door is locked or if students are told that an area is off limits, this is not a challenge for you to prove the staff wrong.

_- Geez, you sneak past Fluffy once and you're labeled for life! (Harry)_

_- Don't forget the Chamber! (Hermione)_

_- And the spiders! (Ron)_

_- And the Goblet! (Hermione)_

_- I'm not talking to you two any more! (Harry)_

25. House elves are not be given as gifts.

_- And about time, too, if you ask us! (S.P.E.W.)_

_- Us? What us? It's just you, Granger! (Draco)_

_- SPEW off, Malfoy! (Ron)_

26. Muggles are not be given as gifts.

_- Pansy, you're birthday present will now be a bit late. (Draco)_

_- I understand, Dracy-poo. (Pansy)_

_- ?!?!?! (Harry)_

_- It is kindly requested that all students…and staff…refrain from making gagging and retching noises at Dracy-poo's…ummmm…Mr. Malfoy's nickname. (Dumbledore)_

27. Underage students are not permitted to consume fire whiskey while attending Hogwarts.

_- Does this mean that Hogsmeade is okay? (Lee)_

_- Mr. Jordan! (Professor McGonagall)_

_- Guess not. (Lee)_

_- Just because a couple of rowdy students sang some raunchy songs under Professor Snape's window one time…. (Fred)_

_- They were more bawdy than raunchy and those students were us. (George)_

28. Black Lake is not to be turned green on St. Patrick's Day.

_- Is April 1 okay? (Blaise)_

_- 10 points from Slytherin. (Professor Snape)_

_- Why? (Blaise)_

_- For announcing your plans! (Professor Snape)_

29. Threatening the First Years with an Invisibility Hex and then pretending to ignore them is not permitted.

_- So the Second Years are fair game? (Draco)_

_- No, but we can still threaten a certain Slytherin with a Bat Bogey Hex. (Ginny)_

_- Didn't realize you cared, Weasel-ette. (Draco)_

_- Get a room, you two! (Lavendar)_

_- Hey! (Draco)_

_- Hey! (Ginny)_

_- Hey! (Fred, George, Ron, Harry, Neville, Dean…)_

30. The Ladies of Hogwarts are most beautiful and precious and worthy of attention.

_- ((dreamy sigh)) (Hermione)_

_- ((smudged out response)) Sorry….drooled on the parchment. (Ginny)_

_- Krum equals Yum! (Pansy)_

_- So many Quidditch pitches…so little time! (Angelina)_

_- Double your pleasure, double your fun! (Parvarti and Padma)_

_- We get the idea, girls! (Harry)_

_- Who let Vicky come up with a Tip? (Ron)_

_- I like Krum's tip! (Lavender)_

_- Why are the Slytherin girls giggling at that? (Ron)_

_- Go ask your mom about the birds and the bees, Weasel. (Draco)_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N : Thanks go out to the reviewers, especially Evelyn W for her suggestion (#31)! I hope I've done it the justice it deserves.

HPHPHP HPHPHP HPHPHP

31. All Hogwarts students should take care to keep away from Harry Potter towards the end of the school year in order to avoid injuries and possible death.

_- Hey, how did Lucius Snape manage to get something on here? (Ron)_

_- Maybe he taught his owl to write? (Harry)_

_- Draco? Write? (Ron)_

32. This posting forum is not to be used for uttering, writing, implying or otherwise communicating death threats or threats of harm.

_- Dumbledore certainly knows how to take the fun out of things. (Draco)_

_- He's a lot more fun than you. (Hermione)_

_- Oh, this coming from the frizzy-haired wonder who spends her evenings in the library looking for hair smoothing potions! (Draco)_

33. All students situated within 1 seat/row of a Weasley in a potions class should come wearing water-proof, fire-retardant robes.

_- Neville's hair is growing back quite nicely. (Lavender)_

_- Filtch hasn't seen Mrs. Norris for a few days, though. (Hermione)_

34. Students are forbidden from practicing flying charms on their common room floor rugs.

_- Who was that singing songs from "Aladdin" anyway? (Cho)_

_- They flew by too fast for me to see them. (Ron)_

_- I think it was Blaise and Pansy. (Harry)_

_- What??? (Draco)_

35. The Room of Requirement is not to be used as a Lookout Point for students who are unable to keep their hormones under control.

_- I'll meet you by the lake instead now, Ginny. (Dean)_

_- I'll be waiting for you. (Ron)_

_- Dean, don't write our meeting spots here. (Ginny)_

36. Tricking the elves such that they end up banging their heads against doors, walls and other solid surfaces is not tolerated.

- …_rather, it is encouraged. (Draco)_

_- 10 points from Slytherin for their lack of decency. (Professor McGonagall)_

_- If they all lost points for that, they'd be in the negative. (Ron)_

_- 10 points from Griffyndor for stating the obvious. (Professor McGonagall)_

_- Who shoved up a broom up her… (Ron)_

_- Mr. Weasley! (Professor McGonagall)_

37. Do not encourage Peeves!

_- The PTA – Peeves Therapy Association – will meet tonight to discuss coping with Peeves and his latest round of practical joking. (Cho)_

_- The PTA meeting will be followed by the PGA – Peeves Gone Association – to discuss means and methods to rid us of him! (Ginny)_

38. The Forbidden Forest is just that…a forest and forbidden.

_- How many times must we explain this to the slow learners? (Professor Snape)_

_- Until they learn. (Professor McGonagall)_

_- We're going to be doing this for a long time, aren't we? (Professor Snape)_

_- Survival of the fittest, Professor. (Professor McGonagall)_

39. Please do not entertain ideas of turning the squid in Black Lake into Hogwarts' largest calamari.

_- The 7th year's beach party has now been cancelled. (Lavender)_

40. Hogsmeade is a priviledge, not a right.

_- It's a privledge that's alllllll right! (Goyle)_

_- Was that a complete sentence? (Ron)_

41. Please do not tell the first years that the Sorting Hat made a mistake and that they are no longer welcome in your House.

_- Yes, please. And would a prefect from Slytherin please come and remove your little hatchlings from the Hufflepuff common room? (Cho)_

_- Must we? Consider them a gift. (Blaise)_

_- Thank you for the thought, but we wish to return your gift. They're screaming more than baby Mandrakes. (Cho)_

42.Do not keep relocating or removing Mrs. Norris' litter box!

_- Dobby is most unhappy with the person who put it in the kitchen. (Dobby)_

_- I thought my meal was a tad crunchy last night. (Blaise)_

_- Mmmmm...kitty crunchy surprise. (Ron)_

43. The betting pool on how long the next 'Defense of the Dark Arts' professor will cease immediately.

_- The pool is now closed, kiddies. (Fred and George)_

_- But to the bets placed still stand? (Ron)_

_- Of course. Who ever picked last week obviously did not win. (Fred and George)_

_- That was me. (Neville)_

44. First Years : Please use extreme caution when an upper year invites you to play Wizards Chess. You may be drafted into playing a pawn.

_- Who ever convinced young Creevey to play one of the white pawns, would you please return him from wherever you sent the captured pieces? (Angelina)_

_- My knight took him fair and square! (Draco)_

_- Slytherins don't even known the meaning of fair! (Ron)_

45. Avoid seemingly shallow puddles of water on the floor.

_- Who knew Luna couldn't swim? (Neville)_

_- I did. (Luna)_


End file.
